The Journey

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This is just a picture to you; but to me it’s a story. This picture speaks of unbearable pain, circumstances I never imagined finding myself in, and yet a beautiful journey of healing with the Lord. 

This is the same spot on the floor, over a year ago, where I sat and cleaned. I was cleaning the wall and baseboards. Cleaning was like an escape to me. A place to go and thing to do- when I felt like my world was crashing down. I knew for years something wasn’t right in my marriage. I felt it in the deepest parts of me, I had my suspicions but the truth never surfaced much. This time was different; the pain was increasingly intensified- as a mother nearing her time of delivery and birth. I felt it in my heart, in my body, every part of me. My husband had come home from work and I knew- I knew before he even came home that something was terribly wrong. I felt it deep inside me. He came home that day, to find me here; on this spot on the floor cleaning. When I was met with these words, “Kristin we need to talk”- my hands trembled, my voice shaking. “Okay”, as I prayed on the way to my room, “Lord Jesus I need you”. He sat me on the bed. “Kristin I betrayed you”…. “I know” are the words that flowed out of my mouth, without processing or thinking. I just knew. I asked many questions about it. It had happened weeks prior while he was gone for work. He then confessed to another affair from 3 years earlier (that I had always known in the deepest places of my heart and forgiven, though he never confessed the truth before this moment). That’s when I felt the most indescribable pain of my life. Like I didn’t know which way was up, which way was down. I felt disillusioned. I felt my flesh being torn in two, like I could just fall over dead from the depth of pain that flooded my heart. I left the house weeping uncontrollably, cussing, screaming; like I had just been blown up and was screaming for rescue. I went to the back of my neighborhood where it was barren and uninhabited. I just lay in the dirt. I lay there, screaming, crying. 

Jesus took me on a beautiful, painful, hard journey of healing. He touched every broken and hurting place in my heart the past year. It was brutal at times, the pain so unbearable and consuming I wasn’t sure I’d survive, yet He showed up in my life like never before. Like a friend, a gentle, tender, and lowly friend who walked with me through the fire. He wasn’t afraid of my raw unfiltered emotion and pain. He never shrugged me off, never backed away from me even as I cuss and scream in my anger and pain  (gasp, I know- a Christian cussing and yet Jesus moves toward me, not phased by my outward expression of pain- because He’s after my heart, not behavior. That will wreck your Christian facades and theology. But that’s another blog at another time).  I experienced Him and His presence in ways I always ached for. His peace, His voice, His presence. He led me in healing so deep and true and real, I often can’t believe it myself. His goodness. His kindness. His tender mercies. His truth. His character. Complete healing. 

 I wish I could say that my circumstances were better now, over a year later. But they have in fact gotten much worse. As I speak, I do not know where my husband is even living. Five months ago now, he had another adulterous encounter. Though my external circumstances continue to go from bad to worse- my joy and peace and life in Christ has never been more alive. My relationship with Jesus has never been more full and vibrant. There is no unforgiveness, no anger, no bitterness, no fear, no accusing thoughts. Just peace, and joy, and light, and mercy, and kindness. As I said, complete healing- in Him. It’s been a journey, and one that will keep going. Yet I wouldn’t trade that for anything. For real relationship and friendship and fellowship and communion in Christ.

Here I was, over a year later. Same spot on the same floor… cleaning. Cleaning not to escape- but cleaning with joy. I could finally finish cleaning this wall, that has brought me so much pain each time I tried to clean it. This time- I’m smiling as I look back on the journey He has led me on. I see the healing work of Jesus in my heart. I see Him with me every step of the way. I weep at the floor of this wall today as I clean- in tears of joy and gratitude for the Person of Jesus Christ. This wall, no longer brings me memories of pain- but of deliverance, rescue, healing and wholeness. This wall no longer speaks of death and decay, but of newness of life and birth. A birth of the heart into His life and who He is. Kind to the wicked and ungrateful. Merciful to the ones who put him on the cross. A love so deep, mercy so powerful- that healing explodes into your life like a thousand tiny blooms on a warm spring day; waiting to blossom and dance for their Creator. 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. 

https://open.spotify.com/track/5aNGFzDzJYvvD7KT2mjZ2r?si=4ey8-f4hQsyTSFCOf7e64g

https://open.spotify.com/track/3AUH8tstAX68JQyBWG0AX5?si=zoJg_CYqQRmhmbPGKtEvsw