The pain of betrayal

The Pain of betrayal. 

The pain of betrayal in marriage feels like actual flesh being cut in two. A tearing, a ripping, a severing of a body part. Painful, excruciating, and unbearable at times. Shattering, consuming, fracturing. Picture a soldier on the battle field getting blown into pieces by an IED they had no idea was there. They searched the land and were trusting, only to take one more step and their lives crumble into pieces. 

This is what it feels like in her heart. The shrapnel of sinful choices, being exploded, and sent flying; cutting straight into her heart. She can feel nothing else for a while but the gashing wound as she lay there. Almost lifeless. Dipping in and out of consciousness, she struggles to open her eyes and continue to breathe. Life stops. Everything she once knew, comes crashing down and she is left under the pile of rubble from the explosion- screaming for someone to save her from the pain. Bleeding out on the battle field, she believed she was fighting the battle so well. Deceived by the one who was being deceived- the gashing wound from the IED, and the shrapnel was caused and placed there knowingly- by one of her own soldiers. The one who was the be fighting with her. On her team. The one who was the be fighting for her, was the very one fighting against her.

As she lay there, bleeding out, she can’t help but replay her life in snippets. Seeing her life flash before her eyes, bit by bit, she feels like a fool. For years, she knew something wasn’t right, so she went on a pilgrimage. To seek out her own sinful ways, to deal with her life before God, to allow the Lord to refine her into the image of Christ. Hoping it would speak to her husband and shine the light of Christ into his soul. She has continually forgiven some of the worst things, in hopes to reveal to him Gods forgiveness and to draw him to Christ. Each time, another painful thing would happen, she would go on a journey to fix the next thing inside her. Maybe that would fix it all and bring the miracle she was longing for. So she worked on trust. She trusted the soldier that was on her side. She sent him off on his schooling to support him. And for the first time, truly did trust. She felt free. She felt like things were going great. She believed the stories the soldier was telling her. Only to have been deceived, like an enemy army; placing an ambush around the next corner; so she was going to be ambushed. Innocently, unknowingly, unfairly.   Then the truth came out. The ambush had its full effect. Destruction. All the pieces from years past started to make sense, to come together into a story line she finally saw. She felt like a fool, a fool for the sake of love. It felt like, her soldier was looking at her, and her family of soldiers , and choosing the enemy army’s side.  This is what the pain from betrayal feels like. Knowingly causing harm to someone, and leaving them for dead, so they can chase their own appetites and pleasures. 

And yet, God doesn’t leave me there. He doesn’t leave me bleeding out on that field. He came to my rescue even before I knew there would be an explosion. He starts to unravel the mess inside. Starts to reel my heart back in, starts to remove the rubble from the explosion. He lifts me from the ashes, he cleans my wound out, he bandages the gashing hole of my heart. He scoops me into His arms and begins to care for me. What a picture of the cross. Our sin, putting Christ on that cross. Knowingly. Like an adulterer, we all have gone astray in heart. We all have caused that pain to Christ, leaving Him on that cross to die. While we sneered and mocked and went our own way, chasing our desires and pleasures.  He hung on that cross, blood dripping from His body, wounds gaping wide, dipping in and out of consciousness, gasping for the next breathe. Until the punishment of our sin was finished. Like the girl laying there on the battle field, so Christ hung on that cross. The difference was, unlike me, He felt like no fool. He willingly went, He willingly took that blow, that wound. Yet, willingly- He still felt every ounce of pain, every spec of wrath, every drip of punishment. For our wrong. For our sin. He knew God would take the most cruel act of human history, to buy our forgivness and write the story of our redemption. So, I believe, that God can take this mess, this pain, this destruction, and rewrite it for our redemption. And He will. And He did.