Disappointments, and promises yet to be fulfilled

In the past, I struggled with a lie about Gods Character-that He essentially dangled a carrot in front of me, I got excited and reached out for it, only to have it taken away. I came to realize that I allowed the trauma and pain I went through, to accuse God in my heart of not being who He said He was. I let my circumstances speak louder to my heart than the truth. I let circumstances and what I felt, tell me who God was- instead of telling my circumstances and feelings who He was. I had to learn how to separate the facts of what happened and not attach a lie to it. This is how lies start to form- we go through something and instead of just letting it be a fact (this thing happened)… the enemy will whisper a lie to go along with it. 

Often times- these lies can creep back in. And so this morning, I had a situation come up that brought this out again in my heart.. I said “, Lord, I’ve been believing your promises, standing faithful, and setting my gaze on you. And I see….. NOTHING. Nothing. Nothing at all. 

And like a GOOD Father, He invited the realness of my heart. He wanted ALL of me. He wanted to meet me RIGHT there. In THAT thing. He didn't want me to continue reading my bible or praising Him when my heart was here, in this place. He wasn't phased by what I felt. He wasn't offended by the realness of my heart. He already knew. He was waiting for my heart to invite Him into this thing. He moved towards me. He wanted to reach down and sit WITH me there, in this. 

He used my brother in law to speak so clearly and deeply to my heart.  Last week in FL, my kiddos all wanted to go to 5 below with their friends and get something. I agreed and said I would give them all $5 to spend. Well, we never got around to it. End of discussion. No more talk about it. And no one knew that desire of their heart. Case forgotten. Well today, my brother in law shows up out of the blue, jumps out of his car, hands each of my kids something and says, “ Happy Father’s Day, I’m blessing YOU. Get in the car let’s go!” I had no idea what just happened so I got in the car and followed. He gave EACH of my kids a $20 gift card to spend…. At 5 below. 😭😭😭😭 Brandon did NOT know this desire in their heart, but GOD did. And He would use someone to extend that love to my kids. God gave them EXACTLY what they asked. God gave them MORE than they asked. God gave them relationship along the way and let them experience His heart towards them. 

 I told my BIL the story and just cried. He should have been the one receiving something today, and yet he wanted to give MY kids something and had joy in watching them. So often, we think we can DO things FOR God. And that He will be pleased with us by what we do for Him. But He is saying to us… No no no… IM doing it FOR you! Simply receive. HE does it FOR me. I simply receive. HIS gospel= “IM doing it FOR you.” Man’s gospel= "God I will do FOR you”.  It spoke to me, of a God who SEES the desires of our hearts. A God who isn’t ignorant of what we need. A God who isn’t holding out on us. A God who can take our biggest disappointments, and in His amazing sovereignty- can USE them to bring us into something EVEN BETTER. And I’m beginning to realize-  when I am THAT intimate with Him- the desires I have are really His that He placed in me. HE initiates and I only respond. I don’t come up with the desires, it’s HIM wooing my heart to His. To get my heart to beat to the rhythm of His. 

And so, I will keep believing His promises to me, though I see nothing- though my feelings and my circumstances keep reminding me that I don’t yet have what He’s promised me. And I will remind my heart of who He is in the space between promise and fulfillment. Knowing that He is a God who sees the longings of my heart, the tears I’ve cried, the hours of wrestling in prayer, the laying down of my life- and trust that at any moment…. In an INSTANT… He can show up, do something so remarkably beyond comprehension, above all I ask or even think. Why? Because I deserve it? No. Simply because He is love.